I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
