I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
