When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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