Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize