my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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