I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
