Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
