Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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