If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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