Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
