i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
