the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
