I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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