is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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