Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My penis needs a shock collar
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
