you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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