theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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