Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize