and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
