I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
