my phone needs a breathalizer
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize