She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
