i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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