A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
