I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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