i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
