I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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