I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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