i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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