I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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