Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
