I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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