i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
