Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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