How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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