Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize