WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
