my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
