He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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