You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
