Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
