can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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