dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Two words: blizzard sex
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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