Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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