i need an iv and a liver transplant
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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