You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
