they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
