my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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