Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
