just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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