I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
