This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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