He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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