pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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