she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
