cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
