i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
