Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
