I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
we should paint friendship bongs
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