my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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