My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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