I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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