standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
